For the past month I have changed my views on how I see myself, I met this amazing woman that made me feel worthwhile like I am worth something, she made me feel loved by her and that I could make her happy.
I never had a good opinion on myself in the past, but since I met her I feel like I could do anything, with her at my side I feel so confident, so sure of myself and so happy with who I am and what I can offer.
That was until today, she told me that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, but she said she loves me, that I make her so happy, she told me this last month has been the best month ever and that I am perfect in every way.
She told me I am amazing and any girl would be lucky to have someone like me. although this made me smile and happy to hear this, I couldn’t help wondering to myself why not you?
If I am so special and so amazing and if I really do make you this happy and you do love me then why won’t you be with me? Why would you go without me if you had the chance to be with me?
The only thing I can think is that shes just such a lovely girl and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the real reason she doesn’t want me, there must be something wrong with me, I honestly do not understand why someone would let someone go if they loved them that much, if they made them this happy and if there wasn’t anything really wrong.
Some guys cheat on their girls, treat them like shit, disrespect them and do whatever they like, don’t care when they’ve upset their girl, don’t notice when she’s upset or in need of love and attention, they just do what they want and their girls are stuck to them, they stay through thick and thin, the good times and the bad regardless of what happened.
Now me on the other hand, I’d never cheat on her, never treat her wrong or willing/knowingly do anything to hurt her in any way, I always notice when she needs something, I compliment her all the time, I’d give her the moon if it was possible, I don’t feel like I (Me, John Crockett) is worth keeping or sticking around for, the moment something comes up that causes doubt or could be a problem, its like I’m not worth fighting for, the bad times arnt worth it when I’mthe prize at the end of it?
I respect her choice to break up with me but I didn’t wanna lose her, she’s everything I want in a partner, she acts like me, she is just as mad as I am, she thinks the same way as me, she’s beautiful, she has an amazing personality, when I’m in her arms I am so content and happy, when we kiss fireworks go off inside me, when we have sex it rocks my world. There is nothing about this girl I can say that is bad, even though this is breaking my heart to lose her I still can’t find it within me to be mad at her or think badly towards her.
We are going to stay friends so at least I won’t lose her completely from my life, I honestly couldn’t bear it if she went and I didn’t hear from her again, we’re still going to hang out, watch films together and have days out, go to parties together, we just won’t be kissing or doing anything gf/bf related.
I’m so grateful to have someone like her in my life, I just can’t help but wish she was still mine, not only for me, but because she said I make her happy and she loves me, I hate the fact that she might miss me or might regret losing me, I makes me sick to my belly to think she’ll be crying and wanting me still.
She said she can’t be in a relationship right now, something just clicked in her head and told her she needs to be single, she told me shes broken and its nothing I have done wrong, so hopefully if this is true, maybe one day when she’s older, something will again click and tell her she was wrong and give us another go, but even if she doesn’t I will still be lucky to have her in my life regardless of what form that is.
I hope she is happy being single and finds the answers to her problems being alone, I just hope she knows that she’ll never truly be alone, I’ll always be here for her nomatter what she needs I’ll be there
I know your not gone from my life but, I will miss you Filipa.