The past 11 years.

I guess the way I feel about myself all started with my first girlfriend. I was never really the type to chat to girls I liked, in-fact the more I liked them it seemed the more I would make a point of not talking to them. I always felt like I wasn’t the most attractive person ever, I’m not very tall at like 5ft5″ not well built or seem to be very good at anything. Being shy doesn’t help either. How can you show off your amazing personality if you are stuck in the corner not being noticed?
Not that I have an amazing personality either, but I feel I am a decent person and have good morals and ideals and have been told I’m funny and people love to have me around so I guess I have a somewhat lovely personality.

Because of my shyness and lack of self-confidence, I made most of my friends online including my girlfriend at the time Yasmin. We used to stay up all night chatting on MSN, yes MSN if you can remember that old piece of software.
We would start groups on chat rooms and invite friends to chat with us over on MSN where we both made a mutual friend in Grace who frequently joined us for chats on occasions.

Yasmin broke up with me a couple of times when she found someone who lived closer to her, I took her back each time she was single as I missed her and loved chatting with her each night. Then sometime around 2008/2009 Grace told me that Yasmin was cheating on me with another guy, she told me that she’d spoken to her about it a few times and made her keep it a secret from me.

Yasmin then did it for a final time and when confronted about it. She didn’t even try to deny it. Grace was there for me and texted me almost everyday checking up on me and making sure I was OK, we grew closer and were like best friends, we would always find time to message each other and find out what they other was upto.

She then told me that her partner at the time was controlling her and treating her really badly, she claimed that he had assaulted her and she got pregnant with his baby but couldn’t stand to remain in a relationship with him.
She told me how scared she was about having to look after the baby herself and she didn’t know if she’d be able to cope and that she was really lonely. We got very close and I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes but we lived so far away from each other.
I at the time lived in Erith, whereas she lived in Wolverhampton so I suggested moving in with her until we could find our own place and she said yes and I moved into her parents place around December 2009/January 2010.

Grace and I spoke many times about moving out, into our own place and Grace would say she’s put our names on the list and that she is looking but had no intention of doing so and strung me along. I thought we were just waiting for our time or for somewhere to become available but instead we wasn’t even on the list.

Grace fell pregnant quit quickly with my child KayCee around February/March 2010 and had her on 19th November 2010 and was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was in love with Grace and was going to be a Dad, she had even made her other little girl Amy, call me daddy and it made me so happy to in my own family, all we needed was our own place and it would have been perfect.

Months went by and still nothing form the housing regarding us getting our own place, of course there was nothing. Grace hadn’t put our names down to be housed. so i suggested that we moved back to London, mainly where I used to live. Grace was happy with this idea but said she couldn’t just up and leave her Mum so she decided that she’d stay in Wolverhampton until we had a place in Erith and that she would come down every weekend with the babies to stay with us.

This happened for about 3 months, I moved back in with my Dad so I had somewhere to have Grace and the girls and I started working at Morrisons in Sidcup. I applied for a place and was on the waiting list put down mine, Grace’s and the little ones details and asked my Dad to say he’d kicked us out that we’d be housed quicker.

The out of the blue, me and Grace had an argument, she wasn’t happy with having to travel down to me all the time and told me she wasn’t going to do it anymore, she broke up with me and I found out (by her sister) she’d been dating another guy, she spent valentines day with him and they texted each other all the time.

I stayed in contact with Grace as much as I could, at first she said she’d still come down so i could see KayCee and Amy, but then out of nowhere she’d moved away and not given me any idea as to where she’d moved to, refused to meet me so I could see KayCee and appropriately violated regulations with child protection agencies by removing Amy from Wolverhampton. Social services and protection agencies held a meeting and assessment to determine weather or not Grace was fit to look after either of the children. I attended and gave my own statements.

Amy was taken away from Grace and placed with her father and the assessment team asked if I could be assessed to have KayCee, I said yes and we thought she was going to be placed with us, we waited for the assessment to come but it never did, after a while a letter was sent out stating that there are no more concerns regarding the care for KayCee and that they were closing their investigations down.

I kept in contact with Grace and tried to stay friends with her, I still loved her but was more important that I had contact with KayCee, Grace would message me often and we would have a laugh and good chat but whenever I would talk about KayCee and ask to see her. Grace would get angry and ask me “where have I been all this time” and “why do you care” and childish things like that. Knowing full well that i had asked and begged her many times to meet and see her and by the very argument were having about “where have I been” shows how much I wanted to be there.

Grace would flirt with me and send me naughty photos of herself whenever she’d had an argument with her new fella, shed ask to meet me and suggest we’d get a hotel together, I agreed once and she said she’d get someone to babysit so we could be alone. I said no bring KayCee so I can see her and she’d again argument with me and I refused to meet just her on her own and she’d accuse me of not making the effort. She didn’t realise that I was being nice to her so I cold see my little girl, not so I we could cheat on her new fella.

For years it was the same, we’d text and have a laugh, she’d flirt but wouldn’t allow me to see KayCee so in the end I stopped trying and didn’t see the point in playing her games. I didn’t know where she lived or how to get her to comply. She’d had social services on her back and that didn’t change anything so what else could I have done?

I tried to get on with my life and was alone for a while, I went through depression and was really at a low when I finally had to accept that i wouldn’t be apart of my little girls life, I met Elleice and we clicked right away over our joint obsession over wolves, we met first in Bexleyheath gift gallery shop as we were both looking at the same model of a wolf howling at the moon. The second time we met in there we exchanged numbers and became really good friends.

I told her about what had happened with my previous relationship and that I was a bit of a mess and she convinced me to start dating again, she got me signed up the the usual dating sites and and helped me pick out a few potential girlfriends. One included Annie. Annie was cool we started messaging on the app and then she asked me to go up to visit her for the weekend.

I went up after us messaging back and forth for a month or two and we had a really good weekend together, almost from the moment I got there we kissed and thins got very heated. We slept together twice and then once the next day after a party we had. Then on the train home she messaged me and said we connected physically but not emotionally and that she didn’t think we’d be good together. We broke up but met back up one last time when she come down to London to meet a friend and we slept together again.
I thought she’d missed me and had changed her mind but she still had the same answer as before and thought we didn’t connect and wouldn’t work together she then stopped texting me and that was that.

Then Elleice made me do it again and said they wont all be like that, someone will realize how amazing I am and how much I have to offer, she came round to mine and stayed the night cuddling me while we watched Friends on DVD.
We ended up getting really drunk and sleeping with each other and in the morning I told her I wanted to remove my profiles and be with her, she refused and said she couldn’t be with me because she had problems when she was a baby and is unable to have kids herself and she knows how much it meant to me to be a Dad after having KayCee taken away from me, she said she wouldn’t be with me and wanted me to be an amazing Dad one day.

I met Jo not long after and we kinda had only one long date that lasted 4 and a half years, she came to mine and stayed the night and we got together almost immediately and she never went back home, we were together most of the time when we wasn’t both working and she practically moved in with me before we knew anything about it.

I told Jo about what I’d been through with Grace and she knew how badly I wanted a child, Jo wasn’t really interested in having a child but when she fell pregnant she basically had her for me because of how much I wanted one. Elleice told me how happy she was for me having a baby but she couldn’t stick around and watch me be happy with another woman, she told me before she left that she was in love with me and wished that she could have given me a child and wished me a lifetime of happiness.

I started working at Iceland and quit Morrisions and me and Jo moved out of my Dad’s place to temporary accommodation in Gravesend, for 3 months I stayed working at Iceland where I would go to work and when I’d get back Jo would be either still in bed or doing something with the baby needing to be fed or changed, I would just do it when I got back but didn’t think it was right that she wasn’t too attached to Elise.
Jo wasn’t really the motherly type and didn’t really cope the best with her, whenever she needed changing or something needed doig Jo would make a big deal out of it or almost panic when she needed to be left alone with her so I decided to quit my job at Iceland and become a stay at home Dad for Elise from when she was 3 months old.

I loved doing all the little things she needed that other parents seemed to complain about like nappies, feeding, cleaning up after her etc, it wasn’t a job for me and to this date, 7 years on its still not a job if I’m honest.

After being in temporary accommodation for almost a year, I wrote to the council and complained about the conditions we were loving in and they moved us to Bexley where I am still living now. A few years after that Jo started getting really distance with me, she stopped showing me or Elise any affection for over a year and it felt like we were two strangers living in the same house. I didn’t feel like my family was complete again.

Me and one of my longest running friends from my childhood started messaging and started getting really close and now we are besties (Zoe) and she’s helped me through so much over the years. I honestly don’t know where I would be without her.

Then Jo started coming home and didn’t have any times for Elise, she started snapping at her and wouldn’t cuddle her when she came up-to her, a few times she would say “I’ve had this all day, I don’t want to come home to it as well” that is because she works in a nursery with other people’s kids all day, but didn’t have time for her own when she got home.

So I couldn’t take it anymore and after a year and a half of getting nothing from Jo, the final straw was her snapping at Elise, so we broke up and it was official that my family was again broken. But this time it was different, I might have lost my family but I kept Elise and she is still with me today. She’s my little world and she keeps me from going crazy.

Because we were breaking up I broke down at a family party and didn’t know what to do, when Filipa was there for me, she put her arm around me and sat with me most of the night, I added her on Facebook and thanked her for being there for me that night and she messaged me none-stop thereafter.

She kept checking up on me and Elise and wanted to know how we are doing, she started coming round and spending a lot of time with us and we ended up getting together, I was warned not to get close to her because she is the type to want a broken man and leave him when hes back on his feet but i didn’t listen. I noticed how good she was with my Elise and I loved that, I let myself see what she wanted me to see and thought she was being genuine and actually wanted of be part of my little family.

I was told half way through that Filipa was known for messing people around and she isn’t really interested in settling down. I was told she was just using me to know her ex jealous. I ignored it and saw how amazing she was with Elise and she told me everyday that she loved me and her and we started planning our future together. Then at a family party, Filipa took me up onto the dance floor and made us dance in front of her ex, kissing me and making a point of showing off in front of him. I was upset and we had a row and I later found out that she had slept with him again while we were in a disagreement and she dump me because of it at Christmas.

She then later came back to me and messaged me saying she wants to get back with me, she confessed to sleeping with her ex and promised me that she’d never hurt me again and she wanted to give me and Elise the life we deserved. She said she loved us both and can’t bare to be without us. I stupidly took in her crap and thought she meant it. I thought she made a mistake and truly wanted to be with us and Elise had gotten attached to her I didn’t want her to lose her. Filipa wasn’t my type and she was really immature but so is everyone at one point. I thought she had seen the pain that she caused and wanted to make a mends for that and I thought she’d make me and Elise happy. Elise really needed a mother figure and I loved Filipa’s company.

She was back with me for a month when she decided to end things again, I was told that she had been seeing someone the whole time she was back with me and finally decided to be with him instead. She broke up with me on valentines day after sending photos to everyone on Facebook about the lovely meal I made for her and how amazing I was, but that still didn’t stop her from breaking my heart. She then promised that she would still stay in our life, she said she still loves me and Elise but she isn’t ready for a relationship right now and needs to be single.

She was seen very soon after that with another guy. She also didn’t keep to seeing us, we ended up having a row because she didn’t bother to come spend time with us like she promised and Elise kept asking for her and it broke my heart every time I had to tell her that shes not coming round anymore.

It’s one thing to do that to me, but to do that to Elise was unforgivable, Elsie didn’t deserve that at all.

I then was very low and was hardly myself, I went from being in a nothing relationship with Jo with zero attention, to suddenly Filipa was giving me non-stop texts, kisses, hugs and so much ‘love’ and attention I was unable to handle to loneliness and craved attention form someone. I missed being cuddled and someone showing me how much they cared, even if it was fake, it was real to me at the time.

I got back on the dating apps after all this time and met Christina, she was definitely my type and was lovely to spend time with, she came round on our first date, I cooked for her and we had a good laugh together, we slept together on the first night and she told em she loved my company and couldn’t wait to see me again next weekend.
She came round every weekend for about 2 months when I asked if I could stay at hers and she said she prefers to come mine so she can get out of herself and have a break away from the kids so I didn’t really suggest going round to hers again after that, I think I stayed at hers maybe twice the whole relationship.

I suggested that we go beach together or take the girls away for a weekend and have a family day out or spend Christmas together but she wasn’t interested, she said me and her could go away but she din’t really want me to get close to her kids nor did she want to get close to Elise, she said she had her life and I have mine and we just meet up and enjoy each others company when we can, she said outright that she never wants to live with a guy again or be that committed and she started texting me less and less after that, she still came round but it was less often and we basically had no future together so I told her we should break things off and shouldn’t be together if she didn’t want a proper relationship. I had really fallen for her and thought we were going to stay together, end up moving in with each other and eventually get married but she didn’t want any of that with me.

Then a little time after that I had stopped looking, I just decided to see if I could make friends and enjoy being single, even thought being single isn’t enjoyable for me, I like being in a relationship where someone wants to be around you, they smile when you do something sweet, laugh when you tell them a joke, cuddle you when you need one.

I love the whole holding hands thing, they little things most people take for granted like, knowing your partner, knowing what she likes and dislikes and trying to make sure you do something you know will make her day, make her smile and help her when she needs a helping hand or shoulder. I love the texts of “How are you? What You Up to?” just because they are genuinely interested you and your day not because they want anything, but because they care about you.

I met Dee, again on the dating app, I went into it thinking we’ll just be friends and shes lovely to talk to and someone to be there for me and someone to be there for.

On our first date we went to Franky and Bennie’s I actully wrote about it in my blog here you can read it if you like.
Click here – O-M-Fucking-G I had an amazing time with her, I didn’t want to like her the way I did but i didn’t have much choice in the matter, it just happened and I was so happy, I couldn’t wait to see her again.

We got together for almost 2 years, we started planning moving in with each other, although every time i brought the subject up she would come up with a new reason as to why she didn’t or couldn’t do it. i would have preferred that she just say “No, I don’t want to move in with you!” it would have been easier than making me think she wanted to all that time. We started planning our house, we went to places like BnQ and picked out paints, IKEA and things we’d want in our home. I thought everything was going great but every time we had a disagreement or difference of opinion on something I would try to adjust my side of thinking and try to accommodate for her and try to help her see the benefits to something rather than just dismissing her. However, she would use these things as barriers and suggest that we wouldn’t work well together or we shouldn’t live together or something along those lines. I would have to be the one who tried to make her see how lovely our life would be and even if there are things that need working on, we could do it.

To be honest i think she liked the idea of living with me but didn’t actually want to do it, she’d bring up every barrier in the book and use it as reasons not to, I saw barriers as things to overcome and beat but she would be very stubborn and always revert to maybe its a bad idea. Its like I had to accommodate or compromise for her or it wouldn’t happened at all.

She would tell me things like, shes got surgery to think about in a few years and that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it, she would tell me about problems at work and with her parents and other family members and i would be there for her 100% I would offer her help, suggestions, I would tell her everything would be alright and that no matter what happens to her, she can rely on me. If she needed to spend months recovering from hospital, I would be there for her. I never made it about myself or how it would affect me. You might be thinking to yourself, of course you wouldn’t they are not your problems, its your duty as her partner to be there to help her through them right? Well yes and I agree but let me know what you think about how she reacted to my issues.

Then i got news of my first born daughter’s abusive circumstances. I received a letter from the social services in Plymouth informing me that KayCee was in immediate danger of physical and emotional harm and they were asking if I could take care of her if she is taken away from her home. I said yes to being put forward to take care of her and when I informed Dee of this she was at first there for me and suggest a few things on how she’d help but then went on to say how much this would affect her and how she would have to come to deal with it herself and instead of helping me further, she made it about herself so I was in a position where I had to go through this issue myself and be there for her while she was meant to be supporting me.

We ended up having an argument because I felt like whenever she had a problem or issue that would affect us both, I was there for her 100% and would only be supportive and help her over come them, however, whenever i had an issue or problem. Even if it didn’t directly affect her. She would be there for me like 50% yes, but then i’d have to meet her the other 50% to help her be there for me if that makes sense? I also said to her at one point that if she can’t deal with the idea of an issue/problem then how are we going to cope if something actually came up down the line?
she also said that if KayCee comes to live with us that she wont be able to cope and didn’t think she should move in with me. So I had to go through the pain of knowing my daughter was being abused, come to terms with knowing she might come to live with and now had to deal with Dee coming to terms with it herself and also had to deal with her leaving me and having to face it alone.

I thought I had found someone who I could build a future with and someone who would be there for me as much as I could be there for them, however, she never really wanted to move in with me and as soon as a good enough reason came up, she got out of it very quickly and never came back to show I mattered to her. She was also another one who swore that she’d be over all the time to see Elise and that she’d always be in our lives but shes also not been back either.

It seems like people love the idea of me, spending time with me and love the idea of moving in with me, however, only if its perfect conditions, I’m not worth any trouble or if its not 100% their way then it wont happen.

Its been my pattern and how people seem to treat me, everyone always tells me how amazing I am and how much they love my company and that I sweet, kind, caring, loving, loyal and all nice things but…. They never say his boyfriend material and if we have ever fort or broken up, i have never had anyone fight for me or put themselves completely out for me like I have done for them.

My own image of myself and my self values are very low, I know I am not the best looking chap around, I don’t have muscles, I’m not rich, I’m shy and i’m only bloody 5ft5″ for gods sake. I’m not the type of guy that girls dream about or would love to bring home to meet their family. I am great for company, I’m everyone’s good friend and someone they can go to when they need something, but I am not they type they want in their life forever. I think i am a good Dad, I have gone out of my way to be the best Dad i can be for Elise and I would have done the same for KayCee if i had gotten the chance.

I always get the same crap, they think I am amazing but just not ready for a relationship or they just see me as a friend and don’t want to mess that up. Why can’t you just be honest and say No thanks, we can be friends but I don’t want you to be my boyfriend? Do they honestly think it will soften the blow to call me amazing and then reject me?

Girls claim that they don’t care about money, looks, status. They just want someone decent who will treat them right, take care of them and be kind, caring, generous, be sensitive and show they care and give them attention. when the truth is they want all that packaged up in a good looking chap with money but the trouble is. Half the time these good looking guys are only after one thing or when they get into a relationship, they use and abuse their partners and they never learn.

Just wanting to be happy and for my luck to change and for me to find happiness, someone like-minded who is kind, caring, loyal, ambitious, has their own personality, goals and dreams, independence but is able to show that they actually care about me and is interested in getting to know me and wants to spend time with me. I want someone to fall in love with me and show me, fight for me and not let me go no-matter what happens down the line.
I want someone to be a mother figure for Elise, someone she can look up to and learn from, be guided by and that I can build a family with, grow old with and know that I’m finally safe and can rely on.

I Might as well also wish for a million pounds or to gain super powers, as I feel that is just as likely to happen, I’m just not lucky enough to find someone who actually wants the same as me and actually wants me for me and not just want they can get out of me, use me for or to pass the time….

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John Crockett

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