Massive weight lifted.

For over a month and a half now I’ve had what feels like a massive weight on my chest.
Not knowing if the person you’re with actually wants to be with you, or is simply just with you for the sake of it.
After checking through my large message history with her, I’ve noticed she cancelled on me 5 times I a row and a total of 10 times altogether, but while arguing with her regarding this matter, she seemed to think it was only 3/4 times.
That’s why I doubled checked the messages to make sure I wasn’t overreacting or blowing it out, yes it was 10 times, more if you count rearranging times we said we’d spend time together.
Not only would she cancel, but she didn’t seem fazed, and to allow it to slip out of her memory means it really didn’t matter to her that she let me down, or upset me, it was just another day to her and I should have gotten over it because she had “reasonable excuses”
I’m sorry, reasonable or not, you do not cancel on your boyfriend, that many times in a new relationship, without at least feeling bad about it, if I had done that to her, she would have gone mad, she proved that when we arrange to meet in Bexleyheath once and I decided to take my shopping home first and when she rang to ask where I was, she almost bit my head of for not being where we agreed on time, fucking cheek when she never ever arrive on time, sometimes she’d not turn up at all and say she was going to text me half hour after the time shes meant to be here.
She would never have put up with me cancelling on her especially as often as she did to me.
Not only did she not feel bad, but she gave me attitude regarding it, instead of apologising, she made up silly things to complain about at me, like I never come to see her, or I’m wanting her to message me every second of every day.
Firstly, I asked more times than I should have, if we could meet up when she’s free, but she never replied on her free days, every day I’d ask her, how’s she’s feeling and she’d be ill every time I’d ask her, or she’d be tired so I couldn’t exactly ask to meet her when she’s feeling bad.
I wanted to spend more time with her, as much as possible but there was always an excuse, like doctors or gym or shopping.
Like shopping takes up the entire fucking day, how slow is she at shopping?
I asked repeatedly, can we do more with the girls, can we take them out after school, each time I’d get the same reply, “I’ll let you know”
She obviously didn’t want to spend any real time with you or else she’d be on my back as much as I was on hers for us to do something together.
Secondly, no I didn’t exspect her to text me every second of every day, but when she’d go online and ignore me, yeah I’d exspect atleast some sort of reply.
She used to text me all the time so is half hour out of 24 really too much to ask for? Especially when she’d just fucking cancelled on me, now I think about it, she completely took the piss out of me, she’d cancel on me and then get thr hump I’d wana speak to her, it’s like I didn’t meet you, deal with me I ain’t even gotta speak to you, tell me thats how’s a girlfriend should treat the guy she’s “loves” and in her opinion, the relationship she believes “is fine.”
I was definitely the “what if guy” If she had nothing else better to do then she’d come see to me, she cancelled on me like 4 times in a row for being “ill” then the 5th time she cancelled was because she was going out with her friends for a birthday, (em excuse me, but thought you were ill?) funny how she managed to be fine for that, after she went out parting she couldn’t text me the next dsy after because she was hung over and tired.
But when it comes to her boyfriend, any excuse is worth cancelling.
I wish she had been honest with me from the start and made it clear she didn’t want a proper boyfriend, she just wanted a friend with benefits, that’s all she used me for, until the end when she went completely off me and didn’t even wana go near me, no kisses or cuddles or anything.
I didn’t mind her being busy and not being able to message me all the time, especially when we had plans to meet that weekend, but after cancelling you would have thought she’d make it upto me by atleast texting me and making me feel wanted and see that she was atleast sorry for letting me down.
I am glad I ended it with her now, I gave her the choice, either treat me like your boyfriend or there isn’t any point, and she started repeating herself over and over saying, she can’t do this anymore and we should go our separate ways.
Errm I didn’t wana end, I wanted to stay with her but only if she wanted me as her boyfriend, there is no, your ending it, it’s either shape up or its over.
Felt taken for a compete ride the whole time, first 3 months was perfect, I looked back over at our messages, she called me baby, sent little hearts, kisses and other soppy shit, asked me all the time how I was doing, asked me out on all our early dates, asked to stay at mine for a whole weekend, every time I didn’t message her right back, I had a couple of messages from her, she showed genuine interest in me.
You know, she spoke to me like her actual boyfriend, but if I look back a month, I get one worded answers, short replies, messages with no emotion or affection.
She stopped any kinda emotion 3 months after we got together, she messaged me less and less and to the point, days went by with nothing from her, when I asked her about it, she said she’s just not like that, she don’t like showing her emotions or texting all the time and is really busy lately or ill.
Emm it’s in black and white girl, yes you are like that and yes you were acting all emotional and showing your feelings right up until you went of me so that bullshit ain’t guna fly, try the truth and not what you want to be the truth, atleast admit where you went wrong now its over, no point lying now.
Either it’s the truth and you honestly ain’t like that, witch makes the first 3 months of our relationship completely fake and a lie, witch also means the girl I fell in love with never existed, or you used to be like that and have gone off me or you’ve changed now and you think it’ll spare my feelings by lying now, I know your memory is bad but it’s in black and white.
I threatened to end it with her unless she started treating me like her boyfriend and we become a proper couple.
That when she went into one saying we should go our separate ways, we’ll yeah, I’m ending it now love unless things change, so clearly she didn’t love or want me or else she’d be fighting me to stay with me, I know I’d be fighting her to stay if she felt the same way.
She said she felt as if I’d taken her for a mug, but being lied to, let down repeatedly and ignored is being treated like a mug, atleast I told her how I felt and gave her a chance to stop making me feel that way, but in her own words, she thought we were fine, so why did we go from fine to end in one fight?
The reason is simple, because she didn’t really want to be with me and was looking for an easy way out, oh look a fight so let’s drag up everything I can think of to use against him (errm you said you thought we were fine, so you had nothing to drag up, you had to invent half of it to justify my complaints) just so she took the easy road out.
She told me she had problems with her ex because his family was out of order to her and he wouldnt defend her to them, I guess she treated him the same way and they wasn’t going to accept it and stepped in.
She’ll probably do it to the next guy and he’ll not be as understanding as me and they’ll argue a lot more, but she won’t think it’s her, nope, it’ll be all his fault again.
She started saying my friends and family already hate her because I have been slagging her off to them, no Chris, they don’t hate you and no I was not slagging you off, I told them each time you cancelled and they added it up to a hell of a lot more than normal and thought you wasn’t interested in me, that does not mean they are slagging you off.
Its like if I was treating you badly and you told your friends about it, I expect them to be a little off with me, its natural.
When you cancel on me for very little or no reason, not once but often in a short space of time and people ask me why I am upset, it is not slagging you off to say you cancalled on me, sounds like you are 15 to even think that.
You did not even want to talk about it at the end, felt like a teenage fight and not a grown up argument, you kept saying things like I can’t talk anymore I’m all talked out.
Your a grown up, not a child, you use your words to deal with problems, not storm off like I just stole your favourite pen like we’re in school.
My main concerns and complaints were that you wasn’t treating me like your boyfriend, so to end it with me just verifys that concern, and to completely confirm my worries you said you never ever had any intentions of ever living with me, you don’t even think about next week, let alone our future together, you know I always planed ending up with you, this was not a temporary thing for me, it was the real deal, but I never even had a chance with you it seems, you know because I’ve mentioned it in the past that I assumed we’d end up together so don’t you dare ever say you feel I mugged you off when you took me for a complete ride the whole time.

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